Countdown to a new life in law school. I'm scared and excited at the same time. College gave me and also snatched a few things from me during that four rollercoaster years. I can't say how I truly feel with how my life is going at the moment especially since it was only this year that I really did make up my mind on what I want to do, have and be in my future life.

Yes. Here I am, a 20 year old adult who finally realized what she should have written back when her homeroom adviser asked her what she'd like to accomplish when she's done with college. 

05._The_Boxer_Rebellion_-_Spitting_Fire.mp3

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I'm writing this journal while listening to this song. The only thing that comes in my mind is YOU. Of course. After all I made a mix about you with this song in it. 

After you left, I knew something in me has changed. It took me this long to admit it but I'm acknowledging it right now. Something in me vanished. Although to be honest, I can't concretely put into words what that thing is. Maybe that's it. I can't properly put it - things into words. Like how I lost the ability to write. 

Last year I mentioned something about writing a story about star-crossed lovers. That plot vanished when I learned about what happened to you. I can still remember the basics but the details, the little things that would fill the story - they all vanished. Now it sits at the very back of my mind like a skeletal being, haunting me with its unfinished frame.

I don't know how much the impact of your death has affected me. It's actually a numbing feeling that's why I can't assess the magnitude or maybe the graze it left in my heart. The wound has probably healed and scabbed already. After all it's been over a year since I last saw you (even if it's only been 2 months since I heard about the sad news). Still I want to pick on that scab. I want to scratch it until the wound resurfaces and that I get to FEEL once more. 

I want to feel the longing I had when you left school. That distinct pang when I learned that you're in another country. That sting when I saw you again in a mall and yet it seems you don't recognize me (as if you need to) and that I didn't chase after you. All the hurt and pain when I learned about your death. I want to relish it all and maybe find comfort in the pain and trick myself that you never really left.

There wasn't an opportunity for me to say goodbye. Or maybe there was but I was a coward and didn't grab it while I can. I know I should just let you go. I must let you go. And maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to write stories again. 

This post is long overdue. Honestly, I've been trying this past week to sit down and write but words and thoughts don't stream into my mind. It was as if something died inside of me. Yeah, I think something did.

Do you believe in superstitions? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I woke up on a Wednesday morning after a dream of my teeth falling out. Dreaming about teeth especially if you lose them would mean that someone close to you or of with great importance will die. I didn't bother and forgot about the dream.

Monday night, I saw a post on facebook regarding the death of two Ateneans that are in my batch. I instantly thought they were victims of the Typhoon Sendong that struck Cagayan de Oro. Initially, I thought - until I saw their names. One of them was a Patrick. Patrick. That name stabbed my gut. It just can't be. There were a lot of Patricks in our batch for sure. This one's different. It's not him.

Funny how life fucks you when you least expect it. A friend messaged me on facebook this Tuesday night telling me that the Patrick I knew died yesterday, Monday and that he was on a coma since last Wednesday. Multiple Organ Failure. No idea what happened to him and why he ended up that way. So it was really him. Forgive me for being selfish but it really was MY Michael Cera-clone. 

You know how in mangas and animes, the soul of a character leaves his/her body after a horrible experience? I really felt that. Fuck. Initial thought after reading that message. I confirmed what happened when my friend called, explaining what he knew and shocking me even more that Michael Cera-clone will be cremated on Thursday already.

I can't tell you how frustrated I am that night. I'm in Bicol. Eight hours away from Manila and I have work tomorrow. A part of me wants to hop on the next bus trip and attend the wake or even the interment. Mom didn't like the idea though. I don't know. All I remember was that I cried to sleep that night and I was trying hard to keep it together while I was attending the 4:00 AM Simbang Gabi the next day. Next thing I knew, I was sitting in the bathroom, bawling my eyes out while I'm taking a shower to prepare for work.

Wednesday. That Wednesday was hell. I can't work properly. Can't even laugh or smile normally at people just becuase I feel so down. And the irony of things, we scheduled our office party that night. How on earth will I enjoy the party when my mind is on a Chapel in Manila? Weary and tired, I put on a smile and drank and drank and drank. Just so I can forget andnumb myself while enjoying the company I had for that night. It would be unfair if I show up and sulk in a corner. Still, I can't just forget about him completely. Honestly, I don't know if I can.

It's now December 24. Christmas Eve. And I see his face on a couple of profile pictures in facebook. I feel so tired and empty all over again. To be honest, I never gave up on him. I never did.

October 15, 2010 was the last time I saw him in campus. I remember how that week gave me hope since they told me he were interested in me too. November 15, 2010 was when I learned that he's not returning to school anymore. I waited and waited. Wished that I would see him again. June 11, 2011. I saw him again of all places I would expect to see him. I saw him in Megamall. Hahaha. You see, for me Megamall = Him. It's not my favorite mall just for nothing.

I knew I should've ran after him and then tell him how I feel all this time. How I love him and I miss him and punch him for going so far away. Yes I can be a violent person to people I love. I never did those things and now I will forever regret those moments of cowardice.

He was supposed to be my Blue Rose. My One Great College Love. Sadly all those things are now just in my huge regret box in my mind.

I want to visit you. I want to bring flowers and say my goodbyes. I want to tell you how I liked you for almost four years and loved you for almost two. Of how much I miss you that it hurts and I would always break down and cry whenever I see your picture. 

I love you Bleeker. 

I finally submitted my application forms to my priority schools. Now all I have to do is study my ass off, get admitted and die another lifetime for that thing called Law Degree. So help me God.

Getting tired of the drama between everyone. I think I'll just sit back and observe things from my yellow couch. Seriously. I give up.

I left home quite late today since I woke up later than usual. It was drizzling a bit so I was waiting for a ride outside our gate. There weren't many tricycles passing by our area so I had to wait, staring at my watch and getting more and more annoyed since I'm going to be late for work AGAIN. After a few seconds a tricycle stopped and I saw that a passenger's occupying the seat already. Said passenger was a guy. - a college student in his uniform, and he was wearing glasses. 

He's cute and I stared. YES. I stared at him and then blinking I told the driver my destination. Glasses Boy got out of the trike smiling, offering me the inner seat of the side car (perhaps so that I won't get wet :'D) and I can't help but smile. A gentleman Cate! HE'S A BLOODY GENTLEMAN YO! Sadly the driver said he's going to a different direction and mentiond Glasses Boy's school. The college Glasses Boy was attending is really in an off direction from my work place. Too bad Glasses Boy. I bet I would've had the courage to talk to you given that the driver agreed. 

Lunch. I went home and told my mom about that peculiar morning. She was laughing telling me that I was a cradle snatcher and Glasses Boy is probably from the neighborhood, maybe even a border living next door and she's going to disown me if I happen to marry someone from the neighborhood. Mom. WHAT. I just happen to notice that he's cute okay. And omfg I'm only 20, how can I be a cradle snatcher?!? lol. 

Still I'm hoping that he'll wait for a ride in front of our house tomorrow morning. See, cause he already knows where I live. ;) :laughs:

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On the side note. I recieved a confirmation e-mail from the3six5 saying that they accepted my application form as a 2012 author! The 3six5 project is really inspiring seeing how different people live their lives in different ways 365 days a year. I'm really excited for this project since my goal for 2012 would be to get back on my writing. My date will be on June 15, 2012. :)