This post is long overdue. Honestly, I've been trying this past week to sit down and write but words and thoughts don't stream into my mind. It was as if something died inside of me. Yeah, I think something did.

Do you believe in superstitions? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I woke up on a Wednesday morning after a dream of my teeth falling out. Dreaming about teeth especially if you lose them would mean that someone close to you or of with great importance will die. I didn't bother and forgot about the dream.

Monday night, I saw a post on facebook regarding the death of two Ateneans that are in my batch. I instantly thought they were victims of the Typhoon Sendong that struck Cagayan de Oro. Initially, I thought - until I saw their names. One of them was a Patrick. Patrick. That name stabbed my gut. It just can't be. There were a lot of Patricks in our batch for sure. This one's different. It's not him.

Funny how life fucks you when you least expect it. A friend messaged me on facebook this Tuesday night telling me that the Patrick I knew died yesterday, Monday and that he was on a coma since last Wednesday. Multiple Organ Failure. No idea what happened to him and why he ended up that way. So it was really him. Forgive me for being selfish but it really was MY Michael Cera-clone. 

You know how in mangas and animes, the soul of a character leaves his/her body after a horrible experience? I really felt that. Fuck. Initial thought after reading that message. I confirmed what happened when my friend called, explaining what he knew and shocking me even more that Michael Cera-clone will be cremated on Thursday already.

I can't tell you how frustrated I am that night. I'm in Bicol. Eight hours away from Manila and I have work tomorrow. A part of me wants to hop on the next bus trip and attend the wake or even the interment. Mom didn't like the idea though. I don't know. All I remember was that I cried to sleep that night and I was trying hard to keep it together while I was attending the 4:00 AM Simbang Gabi the next day. Next thing I knew, I was sitting in the bathroom, bawling my eyes out while I'm taking a shower to prepare for work.

Wednesday. That Wednesday was hell. I can't work properly. Can't even laugh or smile normally at people just becuase I feel so down. And the irony of things, we scheduled our office party that night. How on earth will I enjoy the party when my mind is on a Chapel in Manila? Weary and tired, I put on a smile and drank and drank and drank. Just so I can forget andnumb myself while enjoying the company I had for that night. It would be unfair if I show up and sulk in a corner. Still, I can't just forget about him completely. Honestly, I don't know if I can.

It's now December 24. Christmas Eve. And I see his face on a couple of profile pictures in facebook. I feel so tired and empty all over again. To be honest, I never gave up on him. I never did.

October 15, 2010 was the last time I saw him in campus. I remember how that week gave me hope since they told me he were interested in me too. November 15, 2010 was when I learned that he's not returning to school anymore. I waited and waited. Wished that I would see him again. June 11, 2011. I saw him again of all places I would expect to see him. I saw him in Megamall. Hahaha. You see, for me Megamall = Him. It's not my favorite mall just for nothing.

I knew I should've ran after him and then tell him how I feel all this time. How I love him and I miss him and punch him for going so far away. Yes I can be a violent person to people I love. I never did those things and now I will forever regret those moments of cowardice.

He was supposed to be my Blue Rose. My One Great College Love. Sadly all those things are now just in my huge regret box in my mind.

I want to visit you. I want to bring flowers and say my goodbyes. I want to tell you how I liked you for almost four years and loved you for almost two. Of how much I miss you that it hurts and I would always break down and cry whenever I see your picture. 

I love you Bleeker.